Much has been said in the public arena in the last couple of years about Narcissism. Because of that there is some confusion about what it is, and what it isn’t, or who is a “Narcissist”? Hopefully, this article may clear up some basic questions, and perhaps alert folks to situations which might actually call for some professional intervention.There is a difference between clinical Narcissism (or narcissistic personality disorder/NPD) and having some narcissistic characteristics. This article will focus on NPD.
If narcissism was seen as a continuum, The low end could be viewed as “self-absorption”, followed by egocentric. Following these, we could use the description Narcissistic characteristics. At the highest end there would be narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is a diagnosable mental health condition. There is a great difference between self-absorption, narcissistic characteristics, ego-centric behavior and NPD. NPD has several important diagnostic criteria, as well as fairly classic observable, and consistent patterns of behaviors. Generally speaking, input from those around the person with NPD is probably necessary to get the full picture. Examples of such behaviors will be summarized in this article.
People who might be viewed at the other points on the continuum (from NPD) have a much less severe impact on the people around them (though they certainly may be difficult at times). Generally, these folks are at least capable of developing insight. When properly motivated, they have the ability to change. Their self-orientation doesn’t necessarily reach into all areas of their life and relationships. NOTE: these folks might have an easier time in life (and be easier to work and live with) if they sought counseling for themselves. Also, it is important to recognize that all of us, as humans, have moments of selfishness, self-absorption and sometimes the hurtful behavior that might go along with that. The difference between this and a person who is diagnosable with NPD, has to do with the number of types of challenging behavior patterns, in that they are pervasive in almost every area of life. The long-term pattern of the types of behavior and relationships, intractable false narratives, and the general lack of insight of the person with NPD are pervasive throughout their lives.
A person with NPD might be willing to embrace the idea that they have some other type of mental health problem, such as anxiety or bi-polar disorder, pointing to themselves as being “victims” of such. However, owning that they have NPD is very rare.
A person who is actually diagnosable with NPD presents a totally unique and difficult challenge. The nature of the problem behaviors, the motivations, and the underlying causes of NPD make the chance that the person can develop any insight, or significant change, very low. This is because of the troublesome nature of their emotional relationships, the lack of authentic insight (replaced by grandiosity and even a delusional belief system), are formed to protect themselves from an actual emptiness inside and an ego that is too fragile for them to bear the true feelings that go along with it. They are very stuck on the defense mechanism called projection. In other words, whatever negative thing they are thinking, doing, or have done they turn it around and put it out onto someone else. You may all have become familiar lately with the saying: every accusation is a confession. That is what this refers to and originated with trying to help people understand how a person with NPD functions in such illogical ways. In general, those diagnosable with NPD will lie about almost anything, even when there is no need. They will make up lies that are very dramatic. Often, they do this to create a crisis (in part because this makes them feel in control) – even though if they thought about it for a bit; they would realize that they will be found out. An individual with NPD is focused on how others perceive them and of wanting an image of success, or whatever might gain them attention. Again, this is built on a false foundation. So, often they cause the falling apart of what may appear to be some great accomplishment time after time. They will not hesitate to try to make others look bad, if it will help with their delusion or grandiosity. These folks tend to be big spenders (even when they have no money), evasive about what they are doing in life, and often are involved in affairs while putting on a front of being very happy with the identified partner.
A person with NPD can be very charming, especially if they have decided that you might provide the next step to enhance the appearance of their life situation. BE AWARE of those who come on strong, especially without encouragement. LOVE BOMBING is the term you may hear used informally. However, if once you have given in to their advances, you begin to notice changes( such as de-valuing you, evasiveness, behavior that doesn’t add up, suspicion of dishonesty, and a tendency to turn things around on you when you know it isn’t true (Gaslighting)) – it’s time to talk to someone you trust about what is going on. You may be caught up in the challenge of having a partner with NPD.
And yes, these folks do get married or engage in long term relationships. Sometimes it takes the partner years to realize that they are being emotionally victimized. When you confront a person with NPD, they are champs at deflecting everything on you – And worse being threatening sometimes. covertly, but sometimes overtly.
Worst of all is the impact a parent with NPD can have, if there are children involved. A person with NPD does not spare the children in their lives. Children play a role for them in their delusional narrative, which is dictated by how the kids might build up the ego and image of the parent with NPD. If a child disappoints them (not that the child has actually done anything wrong) or doesn’t build their ego as desired, that child may then become labeled as “selfish”, “bad”, “no good”, or any number of emotionally abusive labels. As you can imagine, the NPD person will not hesitate to put down or blame the other partner in these situations, in order to manipulate the child. This includes using lies that make no sense.
It is, unfortunately, common in divorce situations for a non-custodial parent with NPD to not pay child support, even if there is a legal order. First of all, they consider themselves above the law. Secondly, they may have a false narrative that they are somehow an innocent victim in the situation. Additionally, their ego tells them that the family doesn’t deserve it. These “parents “often don’t show up for the kids in many ways, because their focus is on themselves. If there is difficulty with the non-custodial parent or the children, it is rarely viewed from the perspective of what the children need or want. It is almost always about the NPD parent’s feelings or false narrative about the situation. This is frustrating because their version is generally very far from the truth as others would see it.
When it comes to friends or other family members, they will not hesitate to take advantage of anyone, if they feel it builds up their delusion or their next grand scheme. Control, glory, and attention is what drives them.
As the mental health field, and victims of narcissistic abuse themselves, have become more open about this problem, society has been more open to acknowledging the damage that can come from living in a relationship with a person who has NPD. Because this is not the type of thing that is very successfully treatable, nor is it the kind of thing that you could sit down and talk things out as you might with a normal person, to have some positive resolution – very few options are left for the person who wants to break out of the situation or have their children stop being negatively impacted.
Often the only recourse is to set firm boundaries of no, or very little contact. In addition, not discussing anything personal or emotional with a person with NPD is very key. The big challenge is ,that when folks are trying to escape the negative impact of someone with NPD, that person will likely up the ante of their NPD brand of attacks, abuse and haranguing. They do not go quietly when they are not the person closing the door. For that reason, it is very important for people trying to recover from these situations to seek support from friends, and hopefully from a professional who understands the dynamics of NPD.
In our practice, it is not unusual for adult clients to present for help with anxiety, depression, or even trauma symptoms; only to discover that these are related to the fact that they were raised by a parent or parents who had NPD. Those who have been romantic partners with a person with NPD, and are either trying to break away, or have, but are still experiencing emotional reactions, need to be able to process and get an accurate perspective on what happened to them, and healing the stress and trauma reactions. It goes without saying that children who are being helped to recover from the negative impact of a parent with NPD need space to be able to talk about their anger, hurt, anxiety and the whole range of emotions that are caused by relationship with someone with NPD.
The good news is, even though the prognosis for improvement is not the best for the person with NPD, it is good for those who have been victims, realize it and seek help to break free, set boundaries and heal.