Have you had the experience, when trying to make a change in your life or self, of having a “back step” in your progress? Rhetorical question, right? We all have. The important thing is whether or not you give in to the temptation to just give up altogether because of one negative experience.

The process described below is extremely helpful in addressing a variety of emotional and behavioral issues – including anxiety and depression. I will be using a weight loss analogy to demonstrate the process.

Many people tell me that if they are doing well and then eat too much (or eat something they are not supposed to such as cake), they tend to just give up and tell themselves they blew it and perhaps may as well go ahead and eat the rest of the leftover cake. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), this is an example of a negative reactive behavior; based on a default cognitive distortion (Burns, David D. 1981) – that initiates an emotion, that then results in the reactive behavior.

Cognitive Distortions (Burns) are a set of unhelpful thinking reactions that often occur without our even being aware it is happening. The creator of CBT, Dr. Aaron Beck, viewed this distorted thinking as the negative self-talk that occurs in our mind, often by default – and in response to core beliefs that we developed as we grew up, due to the influence of our environment and caretakers. The negative self-talk may trigger unhelpful emotions, which we put into action by our choices of behavior and responses (both internal and external).

Thus, if a person has one piece of cake, that was identified as unhelpful on their weight loss journey – they may not view it with grace towards themselves and acknowledgement of some lost weight, or validation of their ability to get back on track despite the minor setback. Instead, a whole other set of self-talk rises from their self-consciousness and takes them hostage. This could sound like many different things depending on the individual. Examples could be a lot of “should/should not “messages, discounting any positive progress, dwelling on the negative occurrence, or viewing the fact that they had a misstep as the start of an unstoppable path to failure (Burns).

It is not too hard to imagine what these automatic thoughts create in terms of emotional reactions. Some common themes would be feeling like a failure, feeling guilt or shame, or feeling incompetent to deal with something.

It is enough to make someone want to give up and eat more cake! Why bother to keep trying, right?

Imagine the difference you can experience as you learn to be more conscious of your automatic negative self-talk and recognize it before it triggers the series of negative feelings and behavior. Part of working with CBT is that one can learn to utilize a variety of techniques to challenge the negative thinking and put a stop to taking that unhelpful path.

If we use the weight loss analogy, it might go like this. Our friend has lost seven pounds over the last month or so. They have been faithful to the guidelines of their program 90 percent of the time. It has not been easy. The day that our friend was feeling a bit deprived coincided with their spouse’s birthday party. There was a lovely cake. Our friend had a piece. Later on, when they started to realize how much they were saying “I shouldn’t have”, “you blew it again”, etc. in their head – they were able to pause and use thought challenging techniques, before their emotions and then responses/reactions were [...]

Saying goodbye to pet is never easy. When we made the decision to say goodbye to our cat Sydney, she was 25 years old and had been with us since right before we got married. Sydney had been with us through so many things – both in our personal lives and throughout history. Like most of our fur babies she was a source of comfort and joy…and could also be a real pain in the butt! During our first military move, she made it known how unhappy she was with the move by peeing on us in the middle of the night. It was only once – and I truly believe she was letting us know exactly how she felt.

Losing a pet can be just as devastating as losing a person. Our pets become such an integral part of our lives. They are there through the moves, the job changes, the joys and heartaches, meeting new friends and saying goodbye to the old ones, the happy times, and the hardest times. They have unconditional love for us and we for them. The bond between pets and owners is truly unique and the choice to love and raise a pet is truly an act of love. It is no wonder that when we say goodbye to our pets, it is a deeply profound loss.

According to Psychology Today, research has shown that the loss of a pet, especially one that is considered family and a companion, can be just as devastating if not more so than the loss of an individual and self-care while grieving is a key to coping with pet loss. It is important to understand that many factors influence grief and loss such as religious beliefs and culture. Each person in the family or household must be allowed and encouraged to grieve in their own way.

Along with allowing and accepting everyone’s way of grieving, it is important during this time to take care of oneself. Self-care during times of grief may look different for everyone and while there is no way to predict how long grief will last, kindness and compassion for yourself can help you through the process. A good therapist can also help coming to terms with the loss of your pet. Personally, I have had several clients come to me specifically to deal with pet loss. At Star Point Counseling we can help you discover what helps you on your journey as everyone grieves different losses uniquely. If you are struggling with pet loss please reach out and/or visit the following links that may be helpful.

As you experience the first few sessions with a positive feeling, you may hopefully feel reassured that you are on the right path. The journey of therapy and healing will not be easy, please do not think I am saying that. However, if you have found the right person that you are comfortable working with, your journey, though often difficult, will be worth the potential life-changing experience you will create. And best of all, you do not have to take that journey alone.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/animal-attachment/201702/7-self-care-essentials-while-grieving-the-death-pet

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/grief_support_center/grief_support_home.htm

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/pet-death.html

If you have never been in counseling or have had an unpleasant experience but are considering giving it another, try, I hope this post may give you encouragement. It can feel scary to think about opening up about very difficult and personal issues under the best of circumstances. And going to meet with a person you do not know in order to do this can seem hard to get over. This is why doing your due diligence is important. Do not just go with the therapist that a friend recommends (although you certainly should consider them). Research a variety of sites of counseling practices. In reading the content of the site, does it present description that feels compatible with what you are looking for in a counseling relationship? Next, read the bios of the practitioners. Do the areas that they work with and their description of their approach sound like a good match?

Most good practices will offer a free consultation, either by phone or in person, before you decide about choosing a particular counselor. A preliminary consultation of this type is not a therapy session. There will be no expectation for you to share more than in a basic way what brings you to counseling. You can even look at it as your opportunity to “interview” the counselor. This is to give you a chance to ask any questions that you may have and to get clarification from the therapists themselves about how they might approach your individual needs.

Once you have gathered the information, as mentioned above, hopefully you may not feel quite so nervous about taking the next step and setting up an appointment. Remember, make the best decision you can with the information you have – if you have a session or two and do not feel it is a good match, you can always switch to a new therapist.

When you have made the appointment, the next challenge is dealing with your expectations about how things will go. Generally speaking, a therapist will, first and foremost, only move at the pace you are comfortable with – particularly regarding the more difficult issues you may need to address. You should have a feeling from your therapist that you are “in control” of how things progress. It may be reassuring for you to know that the first few sessions are often focused on what might be called information gathering or assessment of your experiences, needs and goals. In addition, another message, spoken and unspoken, that you should be getting from your therapist is that they are open to you asking questions about your therapy or sharing your feelings about something that happened in therapy.

As you experience the first few sessions with a positive feeling, you may hopefully feel reassured that you are on the right path. The journey of therapy and healing will not be easy, please do not think I am saying that. However, if you have found the right person that you are comfortable working with, your journey, though often difficult, will be worth the potential life-changing experience you will create. And best of all, you do not have to take that journey alone.

It’s important to be able to regulate our emotions. In order to move through issues that are bothering us or to heal, we need to feel our emotions. Stuffing them down is not going to help because eventually, they’re going to come out somehow.

Click the video below to learn more!